The LGR Interview Series: Bossy Betty, You're Not in Kansas Anymore!

The LG Report 50-State Interview Series continues to roll on, this time to meet up with the incomparable Bossy Betty, author of her EPONYMOUS BLOG (Worde to the wise: click there to find the blog before Bossy Betty orders you to do so), which is extremely witty and well-written.  It also frequently contains stunning photographs.  Bossy Betty will be representing the great state of Kansas.   

[No Betty, I won't sit over there, I'm fine right here.  Yes Betty, I'll get you a bottle of Evian, just wait one second.  Yes Betty, I'll speak clearly.  No Betty, I promise, I won't run a video of this on YouTube.  OK, we have to get to the questions now...]

In the interest of full disclosure, we should reveal that Bossy Betty doesn't actually live in Kansas anymore, but she did grow up there and, in our opinion, is a great spokesperson for her home state.  We tried to get a current resident of Kansas to speak with us, but both of them were working the fields when we called.

Bossy Betty currently lives in that paradise/den of iniquity/home of great weather/overcrowded Hell-Hole known as Southern California.  We may sprinkle some SoCal questions in just to keep Bossy Betty on her toes. 

So here we go.

The LG Report:  How did you get the nickname "Bossy Betty?"  And can you provide some examples of you at your bossiest?

Bossy Betty:  First of all, I would like to say that despite this hideously uncomfortable chair and this lukewarm, nearly-expired bottle of Evian, and your obvious lack of knowledge of the social benefits of breath mints, I am happy to be here.  I really don’t remember what your first nonsensical question was, so let’s continue this ordeal while I am still mildly interested.

Notice the heavy Kansas traffic in the background.

The LG Report: How long ago and why did you leave the Sunflower State?  Did it have anything to do with the totally lame-o state nickname?

Bossy Betty:  Sir, I resent your implication that 1) I “left” the Sunflower State.  Though I am no longer physically present there, a part of my heart will always be embedded in the Harney Silt Loam (the state soil of Kansas.)

2) The nickname “The Sunflower State” is not, as you so eloquently stated, “lame-o.”  It has style.  It has alliteration.  It has five syllables.

And, by the way, just what is the name of your blog again?  Hummmmm?  Do you really think you should be throwing stones?  Really?

The LG Report:  What was the single best thing, and the single worst thing, about growing up in Kansas?  Please do not mention Dorothy or Toto in your answer. 

Kansas, personified.

Bossy Betty:  Growing up in Kansas under clear, clean, expansive skies, gave Betty a certain clear, clean, expansive personality that is evident in her kind and gracious behavior. 

The tornadoes that occasionally came, wreaking havoc and destruction may have also tinted Betty’s personality a tad.  The weather in Kansas is a great example for those who want to incorporate mood swings into the fabric of their personalities.

The LG Report:  Does it frost your cake that another state, Arkansas, has your entire home state name embedded in it PLUS two extra letters?  What do you make of that?

Bossy Betty: I have never heard of that state and would not endorse, nor acknowledge it if I had.

The LG Report:  Bossy Betty, you're a teacher by profession.  The National Teachers Hall of Fame (which, by the way, LG thinks is incorrectly punctuated; he believes it should be "National Teachers' Hall of Fame," with the possessive apostrophe, but who is he to correct the teachers?) is located in Emporia, Kansas.  You're from Kansas.  Coincidence?

Bossy Betty: When children are born in the hospitals in Kansas, a certain percentage are immediately wheeled into separate and special nurseries to begin their lives as teachers. 

These babies are selected on the basis of their superior lung capacities and their low-flinch response when markers and erasers are thrown in their direction.  They are trained from birth to be members of this hallowed profession. 

First grade is the start of their twelve-year apprenticeship which they begin by directing other children on the playground, correcting the work and grammar of other classmates, and charting the behavior of those children they believe may possess criminal tendencies.

These mini-teachers-in-training are, without a doubt, the most popular children in the classes.

Bossy Betty didn't fall for the decoy "Mountains in Kansas" question.

The LG Report:  Did you do a lot of mountain biking, downhill skiing and high-altitude rock climbing in Kansas as a kid?

Bossy Betty: Because of the extensive training in pencil sharpening and glare-giving that Teacher Babies/Adolescents must go through, I had no time to engage in these hoodlum-attracting activities. 

(Even now, my Teacher Training is coming in handy as I simultaneously give you an answer to your question, thereby deceptively “validating” you and your unstable self-esteem without giving any credence to your irrational question meant merely to bait me into a ridiculous response.)

The LG Report:  If you look up a list of Kansas landmarks on Wikipedia (not always accurate, we know, but good enough for the low standards of The LG Report), you'll see:

The world's largest ball of twine (disputed), created August 15, 1953, in Cawker City, Kansas. 

These unsuspecting tourists are unaware of the dispute.

Two other towns claiming to possess the World's Largest Ball of Twine are Darwin, Minnesota and Brooks, Missouri.  Knowing that it must burn your butt that there's still a dispute over which locale truly has the world's largest ball of twine, what would you say to the people of Darwin, MN and Brooks, MO if you could address them directly?  We may very well have some readers from those towns, so measure your words carefully.

Bossy Betty:  I have never heard of those other states and would not endorse, nor acknowledge them if I had.

The LG Report:  Living in Southern California, we assume you've slept with Charlie Sheen.  What was that like? 

Bossy Betty: Tiger’s Blood.  Adonis DNA.  Winning.  Duh.

The LG Report:  Kansas is known for Leavenworth Prison (technically, United States Penitentiary, Leavenworth), one of the federal prison system's most notorious lock-ups.   As a kid growing up in Kansas, it would be only natural that you would have spent some time there, making friends with prisoners, smuggling knives in via your underwear, etc.  What was that like?  

Bossy Betty:  It is a misconception that this prison is in Kansas.  If you look carefully on a map, you will see that the squiggly line that marks the northeast border actually dips down into the town of Leavenworth, circles around the prison and draws it in to the state to the east, a state I have never heard of, nor would acknowledge if I had. 

The LG Report:  If you were charged with creating a new state motto to lure new residents to Kansas, what would it be?  Please keep it to 15 words or less, and do not mention Dorothy, Toto or the World's Largest Ball of Twine (obviously, because it's still under dispute.)

Bossy Betty:  The current state motto is “Ad astra per aspera” which means “To the Stars Through Difficulties” which bespeaks the immense trials and tribulations of the early settlers and the incredible trauma that “Bloody Kansas” went through before and during the years of the Civil War.  However, these days, let’s face it, it sounds like a slogan for an upstart pharmaceutical company. 

My suggestion for a new motto is “Many Varieties of Our State Flower Have Centers That Can Be Enjoyed As A Snack Or As A Small Meal.” 

The LG Report:  Bossy, if I may be so familiar...  What's that, I may not?  Ok...Bossy Betty...can you give us a link to one or two of your blog posts that would be among your most representative (and enjoyable) for a first-time visitor?

Bossy Betty:  Who me?  Really?  Me? Oh, OK, if you insist.

Book Chat With Bossy Betty

Shopping With the Vengeful Betty 

[Those are both live links folks; click on them to enjoy more Bossy Betty!]

The LG Report: What topic will we never see you blog on and why?

Bossy Betty:  My experience here today.  I think you know why.

The LG Report:  OK, we'll wrap it up with this question Bossy Betty:  Your hubby and two sons, how do they cope with all the bossiness?

Serve this at 80 degrees and Betty pours it on your head.

Bossy Betty:  Let’s just say when they are home, the pillows on my chair are always fluffed, the Evian is always chilled to 79.5 degrees and their breath is always fresh.  

It’s not their fault that they need to spend so much time away from our loving home.  Darn World Peace Conference.  They always seem busy with it.

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Thanks again for stopping by Bossy Betty, it was a very enjoyable experience.  And we remind our readers to wander on over to Bossy Betty [live link again] (the blog) to check out some very fun -- and funny -- writing.  
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Editor's Note:  Just as this blog posting was being completed, a number of major news sources revealed that Osama Bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan.  Click HERE  if you'd like to read some of LG's thoughts about being in downtown Manhattan on September 11, 2001.  
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The LG Report Interviews Becky of "Steam Me Up Kid" Fame!

Today, The LG Report has the pleasure of catching up with Becky, author of the rollicking (and sometimes ribald) blog Steam Me Up Kid.   She has a decidedly unique style, employing her razor wit in a no-holds-barred manner.  You never know what you're going to get from SMUK (which, coincidentally, is only one letter off from SMUT.)  It's well worth a visit; chances are, you'll be back often. 

So let's get down to business...

 

The LG Report:  The title photo on your blog shows a seemingly happy and carefree woman in a field with some type of laser beams being emitted from her breasts.  These beams could potentially blind, or cause serious damage to the eyesight of, a breast-feeding child.  Are you worried about any liability in this regard?  And are you impressed with our use of the word “emitted”?  

The VonTrapp Family. Numbers represent each member's drug convictions.

Becky: Silly man. That woman is Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp in the movie "The Sound of Music," and she is hardly carefree, what with the Nazi situation being what it is and with seven motherless children to dress in old curtains.  Seeing as how you’ve obviously never seen the movie, I will explain that, in the movie, the character actually works part time at the Institute for Corrective Laser Beam Eye Surgery in Vienna, where she restores eyesight to countless orphans with the unique properties of her breast beams. Until, of course, Vienna is invaded by alien squid creatures and the entire Von Trapp family is enslaved and forced to weave lederhosen for the squid militia. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but trust me when I say that "The Sound of Music" is an epic thrill ride of a film. [Editor's Note: Becky is right, LG has not seen the film, although he's familiar with the general nature of it. Like you care, we know.]

The LG Report:  Is there a deeper significance to the symbolism of the laser-beam breasts?  For instance, are you warning women to be vigilant against doctors negligently leaving their laser pointers in women while performing breast augmentation surgery?

Becky: Yeah, it’s all a part of a larger, very complicated, post-feminist statement, but to sum it up in layman’s terms, it’s all like PEW!PEW!PEW! and then it’s like SCHWOO!SCHWOO! and then it’s all KAPOWW!!    

Maury Povich will DNA test to see if this is Becky's sister.

The LG Report:  Are those laser beams the product of a trick bra of some sort, or are they actually coming from the breasts themselves?  We promise that this will be the last laser-beam breasts question that we will ask today.  Of you, anyway.   

Becky: Remember when Obi-Wan taught Luke how to use his light saber? Now in your mind, replace Luke’s hands with two breasts. That’s pretty much how it works.

The LG Report:   We’ve read every single one of your blog postings dating back to 1958.  We know you love dogs.  If you were a dog, what celebrity would you bite and why?  And by “celebrity” we don’t mean celebrity dogs like Lassie, Scooby Doo, Snoopy, Rosie O’Donnell, etc., we mean people.

Bad man. Bad.

Becky: I’ve always harbored an inexplicable disdain for Ryan Phillippe. He’s like my “Newman,” you know, from Seinfeld. I live in Los Angeles, and there have been a couple of times that he’s walked into a restaurant I was in, and my neck vein bulged out and my hands began to shake and I was like, “Phillippe.”

                                                                                                                                     

The LG Report:   You don’t post very frequently compared to many other bloggers.  As of today’s interview, you haven’t posted in well over a month.  Are you in a women’s prison and, if so, can you send us photos?

Becky: I get comments sometimes asking “Are you dead?” and things like that, and I’m always surprised because with all the funny stuff to read on the Internet, why do people even notice if I don’t post for a month? The answer to your question, though, is that I’m always writing, but I don’t post unless I think it’s funny enough. I don’t want to clutter up the Internet with my bullshit, you know? (Said the woman currently finishing up a post narrated by a whale’s vagina.)

The LG Report: “Steam Me Up Kid” could be interpreted as a play on the old “Star Trek” line “Beam me up Scotty,” or it could mean “steam me up” as in “get me aroused and steamy,” or it could me something else totally.  Care to provide any clues? 

Becky: “Steam Me Up, Kid” was what my dad used to say to us when he wanted us to tell him a story that would get him riled up, get his blood going. Usually something about injustice or rudeness. My first post ever on the blog explains it in more detail.

The LG Report:  If a potential new reader/follower of “Steam Me Up Kid” wanted to go directly to one of your best posts, where would you send him or her?

Becky: It would depend on whether the reader was particularly offended by bodily functions, obscenities, or other such unsavory things. To play it safe, I’d go with a post I wrote about a carbon monoxide leak (Click Here) or this one about anal leakage (Click Here).  [Yet Another Editor's Note: LG first came across SMUK via the carbon monoxide leak post.  It is near impossible to read it without laughing aloud repeatedly.]

The LG Report:  What’s the worst thing you ever did as a kid?  We sense that you were a wild one.   If it involves burning a child’s retinas with your breast lasers, please choose another story. 

Becky: No, actually, I was actually a pretty good little kid. The only thing I can think of would be that I lied to a priest during confession once, because I couldn’t think of any sins I’d committed but I didn’t want him to think I didn’t think I was a sinner, so I made up a sin and lied. I realize the irony now.

The LG Report:  If you won $544 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money?    And would you still write “Steam Me Up Kid?” 

Someday, Becky could be saying "Helicopter me up kid!"

Becky: Well I don’t like to travel very much, and I don’t like to shop. I’d probably donate it to animal groups? Oh you know what? I’d buy a fleet of helicopters. Because when that earthquake in Haiti went down last year, I wanted so badly to help, but instead I was running around the house in a panic, like “I JUST NEED A FLIPPIN HELICOPTER!!” As you might surmise, I’m not great in a crisis.

The LG Report: Your dad was a professional comedy writer.  That’s pretty cool.  No question, we just wanted to point that out.

Becky: That is true. He was truly the funniest person I’ve ever met, and he would do anything for a laugh. One time, he and my mom were getting ready for work in the bathroom, and he put a clothespin on his penis and stood there waiting for her to turn around and laugh. She never did. He stood there for upwards of 20 minutes, and when she finally noticed, he was pale in the face and had tears running down his cheeks. That’s dedication.

The LG Report:  You have over 1,800 followers.  What pithy advice do you have for new bloggers, other than to get the laser-beam bra that you’ll soon be selling?

Becky: First of all, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. If someone asked me, I’d tell them that first, and then if they were still curious, I guess I would just tell them that, contrary to the conception that blogs are narcissistic, self-indulgent endeavors, it’s not all about you. People will only read you if they can connect with you, or if you can make them laugh or cry or commiserate or feel something. So if you’re not consciously making an effort to engage the reader somehow, it kind of falls apart. Write something that you’d truly enjoy reading if you weren’t you, and post it.  If you’d enjoy it, other people will too. We’re all made up of the same stuff, after all.

The LG Report: We’re just guessing here but we’d bet that you don’t currently live in the state that you grew up in.  Why did you abandon your home state and which state was it? 

Becky: Wrong-o! Not only do I live in the same state (California) but the same city. How’s that for spreading my wings?

George Clooney. Oh, wait. That's LG.  Common mistake.

The LG Report:  Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Robert Pattison? 

Becky: I’m sure they are all fine, respectable people. I dated a good-looking actor once and it turned me off pretty men for life. I like to be the girl in the relationship. No thank you.

The LG Report:  What was your worst summer job and how did it make you a better person (or totally ruin you for life, whichever is more appropriate)? 

Becky: One summer I was a hostess (excuse me, assistant hostess) at a very upscale LA restaurant. The “main” hostess was an aspiring actress/producer who was there to network and kiss up to important people. I, by contrast, was there for the free focaccia. My job, essentially, was to refuse a table to important and famous people coming in, so that she could swoop out from her hiding spot around the corner and apologize profusely to whomever it was, seat them at the best table in the house, and be the hero. When a party arrived, she’d tell me to make them wait, despite their tables being ready, so that she could eventually sidle up to them and say things like, “Well hello, what are you doing out here? You’ve been here HOW LONG? Just ask for me, next time, silly. Someone of your position shouldn’t ever have to wait, follow me.” It was crap. But like I said before, focaccia.

The LG Report:  What question did you really want to answer but we forgot to ask?

Jean Claude Van Damme freeing a hummingbird.

Becky: Did I hai-YA!! kick out my bedroom screen this morning like Jean Claude Van Damme to save the life of a trapped hummingbird? Why yes, in fact, I did. No big deal. “Hero” is overstating it a little, don’t you think? You’re embarrassing me now.  

The LG Report:  And, finally, give a shout out to the three blogs you enjoy reading most (The LG Report excluded, of course, since you probably hadn’t even heard of us until we requested this interview…), maybe our readers will check them out.

Becky: Well, I regularly shout the hell out of the blogs I really love, so I’m not even sure if people even listen to me anymore. But The Monster Apathy is my long-time favorite, and Chelle at Coffee and Zombie Movies is just brilliant and so hilarious, and Vic is also brilliantly clever and hasn’t posted in a little while (which is okay, right? Everyone calm. the heck. down.) but she’s at What Were You Thinking?

That wraps it up for this interview folks.  We’d like to thank Becky once again for spending some time with us and we’d strongly recommend that you check out Steam Me Up Kid soon, it’s a highly entertaining read and The LG Report wouldn't steer you wrong (again), would we?   

We look forward to seeing you back here soon! 

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