The only time Chuck Norris made a mistake was when he thought he could be wrong.
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As you may recall, The LG Report was the only major news organization to explain Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful.
Now we're here to explain our problems with Facebook, which may very well be your problems too.
But before explaining the shortcomings of Facebook, LG would like to recount some of his more notable recent Facebook postings. None of these really received their full due, in LG's opinion, so he's being environmentally friendly by recycling to give them a second chance at receiving recognition:
"When people ask me to copy-and-post their status as mine, for whatever reason or cause, I always feel like they're trying to take away my freedom of speech, so I don't do it. If you agree, please copy and post this as your status."
"AT&T and T-Mobile recently announced that they're merging. Negotiations had dragged on for weeks and would've been consummated sooner, but their calls kept getting dropped."
"I have a friend who is such a hypocrite that he was forced to join Two-Facedbook."
"Sometimes I post on Facebook when I really have nothing important to say. Like now."
"Watch out for this restaurant scam: A waiter recently tried to charge me for my range chicken dinner. I said to him 'Whoa, buddy, the menu said that the range chicken was free.' He took it off the bill. Scam averted by an alert consumer!""The U.S. says that it's too expensive to keep firing Tomahawk Missiles into Libya, so our government is just going to send Chuck Norris in with a real Native American tomahawk. It will be much more effective -- and cheaper."
"I just called Continental Airlines to change a reservation. Little-known fact: The wait time to speak to a representative is always exactly equal to the in-flight time of the reservation you wish to change."
"I'm trying to save a bit of money, so I'm purchasing knock-off video games. I just bought Sitar Hero."
"Here's the mentality of a future Darwin Award Winner: 'A Tsunami warning was just issued. Let's go down to the beach to get a good look!' "
So here are just some of Facebook's problems:
- "Facebook Friend" - What does it really mean? Is it an insult, meaning that the person is not your friend in "real life," but only to be kept at arm's length on Facebook? Or is it a compliment, because you're publicly befriending someone for all the world to see? Which is it? Can't be both. In LG's opinion, when you say that someone is your "Facebook Friend," it translates into "I'm friends with this person on Facebook, but I don't associate with them in my non-computer real life." It's a way of keeping some type of connection with a person, but still maintaining a distance. If you really like someone, you don't call them your "Facebook Friend." That's just the way it is.
- The "Like" Button - Sure, there's a button that you can hit to "Like" a status, but where are the buttons that say things such as "Boring," "Stupid as Sh*t," "Sucks Ass," "I Hate You," and "Insane Ramblings?" Without those more expressive choices, the "Like" button is doomed to be thrown on the pile of archaic inventions like the Victrola, 8-Track Player and rotary-dial cell phone. "Like" as the sole choice to rate a status will go away at some point, no doubt. Please "like" this comment if you agree. Unfortunately for you, we've disable the "I Hate You" button on the right.
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| This guy keeps asking, rather sheepishly, to be LG's friend. |
- Weirdos, Stalkers and Complete Strangers - All three groups will, at times, try to befriend you. LG only accepts about 75% of such requests.
- Mundane Updates - Everyone is guilty of these time-wasters, which inform us of such compelling developments as: "Let the cat out," "Dusted my dresser," and "Let the cat back in." Let's see police departments requiring all 9-1-1 calls to be made via Facebook postings, that would spice things up a bit.
- Doctored Photos - If you want to see the best possible photo every taken of a person, check out their Facebook profile. Of course, LG is guilty of this too, but that doesn't stop him from complaining about it, so just back off...
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| Rosie O'Donnell smiles broadly in her Facebook profile photo. |
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Don't forget folks, the deadline is today at 5 pm Eastern to submit your photos and one-sentence explanation of your entries in The LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest. A bag of pet-appropriate treats and/or gifts for the winner. Contestants photos and voting rules to be published soon.
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